This week's group "homework" was to read and reflect upon the Lifestyle Education Series chapter on Personal Responsibility. [Aside: The Lifestyle Education Series is a binder given to you that has a chapter each week you are on the weight loss phase of Optifast. Each chapter includes something to read/work on for that particular week, which will be discussed in the group following group meeting.] After reading it this morning, I have done a lot of thinking about how I can be more responsible for my actions and reactions to things in life. One thing I decided is that, if I'm on this journey, I must be honest about the process and take responsibility for the "potholes" into which I may fall.
Yesterday I mentioned that it was a stressful day, I let things get "under my skin" and started ruminating about how everything could just be better "if....." As a result, I learned that stress is one of my triggers for eating.
And, guess what? I ate.
In the past I would never admit when I slipped up and took a step backward, but I am not going to be that way here. I know that people are reading this blog (thank you!) and I feel that I need to post the good with the bad. I need to take personal responsibility, but don't think I didn't consider just picking up where I left off and never "telling."
Anyway, I was the one who put the extra food into my mouth last night. I'm the one who actually got up, popped popcorn and ate it. Who cooked spaghetti and ate it. No one else. Me. I did it. And, believe me, I am not proud. I know I've let people down, most of all myself, but also the wonderful guy I am dating who has been by my side and very vocal with his support. As ashamed as I am of myself, it is the disappointment that I think he will have when reading this that hurts me the most.
I knew that I had gotten off schedule yesterday, having my lunch shake/bar a bit later than I should have and then didn't have the mid-afternoon shake at all. It was so close to dinnertime that I decided I'd just skip that shake and have the soup/shake for dinner and then the after dinner bar. However, after dinner, I will admit, I was hungry, or what I thought was hungry....I really don't know anymore. Was it in my head, or was I truly hungry? I guess I'll have to work that out on my own...the physical hunger v/s psychological hunger that was mentioned in last group.
It doesn't matter though, whether I was bored, hungry, or stressed. Those are all excuses for why I ate off plan. Personal responsibility would say that I ate, I'm the one who made the conscious decision to do so. I own that. Now, today is a new day and I'm going to treat it as such. Back to being on schedule...come Hell or high water, I'm sticking to the schedule today.
If you are on the Optifast program and have read the Personal Responsibility section, you'll understand this, my final comment for today....
....I am starting to see the pothole and I'm learning to walk around it.