Personal Responsibility

This week's group "homework" was to read and reflect upon the Lifestyle Education Series chapter on Personal Responsibility.  [Aside: The Lifestyle Education Series is a binder given to you that has a chapter each week you are on the weight loss phase of Optifast.  Each chapter includes something to read/work on for that particular week, which will be discussed in the group following group meeting.]  After reading it this morning, I have done a lot of thinking about how I can be more responsible for my actions and reactions to things in life.  One thing I decided is that, if I'm on this journey, I must be honest about the process and take responsibility for the "potholes" into which I may fall. 

Yesterday I mentioned that it was a stressful day, I let things get "under my skin" and started ruminating about how everything could just be better "if....."  As a result, I learned that stress is one of my triggers for eating. 

And, guess what?  I ate. 

In the past I would never admit when I slipped up and took a step backward, but I am not going to be that way here.  I know that people are reading this blog (thank you!) and I feel that I need to post the good with the bad.  I need to take personal responsibility, but don't think I didn't consider just picking up where I left off and never "telling."

Anyway, I was the one who put the extra food into my mouth last night.  I'm the one who actually got up, popped popcorn and ate it.  Who cooked spaghetti and ate it.  No one else.  Me.  I did it.  And, believe me, I am not proud.  I know I've let people down, most of all myself, but also the wonderful guy I am dating who has been by my side and very vocal with his support.  As ashamed as I am of myself, it is the disappointment that I think he will have when reading this that hurts me the most.

I knew that I had gotten off schedule yesterday, having my lunch shake/bar a bit later than I should have and then didn't have the mid-afternoon shake at all.  It was so close to dinnertime that I decided I'd just skip that shake and have the soup/shake for dinner and then the after dinner bar.  However, after dinner, I will admit, I was hungry, or what I thought was hungry....I really don't know anymore.  Was it in my head, or was I truly hungry?  I guess I'll have to work that out on my own...the physical hunger v/s psychological hunger that was mentioned in last group. 

It doesn't matter though, whether I was bored, hungry, or stressed.  Those are all excuses for why I ate off plan.  Personal responsibility would say that I ate, I'm the one who made the conscious decision to do so.  I own that.  Now, today is a new day and I'm going to treat it as such.  Back to being on schedule...come Hell or high water, I'm sticking to the schedule today.

If you are on the Optifast program and have read the Personal Responsibility section, you'll understand this, my final comment for today....

 ....I am starting to see the pothole and I'm learning to walk around it. 

The first weekend...

I made it through my first weekend on Optifast, although I won't say there was anything fun about it.  Even though I am still having some cravings, I am noticing that they are for healthier things, like salad and veggie subs.  I guess that's progress.  I am also very happy to report that I have only given in once and that was for a cup of jello, which some people report being allowed to have while they're on this program.  So, I don't feel too guilty.  It was jello, pizza, or popcorn; I think I made the right choice. 

Today was quite humorous.  We had a meeting at work where we were all given a champagne glass with sparkling cider to toast our clinic staff for making it through three inspections in the past month.  Did I mention I love sparking cider?  Well, I told my co-manager, the only person at the clinic who knows I'm on the Optifast program, that I wasn't going to drink any of the cider, but just toast everyone and "fake it" - put it up to my lips like I was sipping it.  After sitting it down, she covertly drank it for me and I don't think my boss noticed.  :)

The rest of the day has been quite frustrating, for various reasons and I find myself wanting to eat "real" food.  I didn't used to think that I was a stress eater, but I guess I am.  That is my first Optifast lesson. 

Craving...

Here in Richmond there are two great pizza shops, "Bottom's Up" and "Mary Angela's," and right now I would love to have a greasy, cheese pizza from MA's.  Most Friday evenings I would give in and have pizza, but not tonight.  Tonight it is chicken soup from Optifast..

So, instead, I'm reading blogs.  I have found several blogs by folks who are also going through the Optifast program (some links are posted on the right side of this page) and they are a great source of inspiration.  Seeing that other people have gone through this during the first few weeks and managed to get through it gives me hope.  However, their saying that it gets easier and the cravings diminish really gives me hope.  That's because, right now, I'd gnaw off my arm for that pizza!

Thank goodness for the online support, the Optifast facebook page, and a wonderful BF who is understanding and willing to put up with my madness!